Cover Story: We explore the secret antisocial behavior of Nintendo's squeaky-clean hero.
We all think we know Mario: He's a goofy, smiling, mustachioed cherub with a twinkle in his eye and ungodly spring in his legs. He waddles around like a neotenous manchild with his enormous head and stubby limbs as he rescues cute things from other cute things. Sure, he's an outrageously exaggerated Italian-American stereotype, but if anything that early 20th-century throwback is a relief after three years of Jersey Shore. It's a squeaky-clean portrayal that stands out in stark contrast against a single, undeniable fact:
Mario is a dick.
His image has been whitewashed in recent years, but Mario's career in dickery started early. Earlier than his very first appearance, in fact, when he was busy whipping the hell out of an imprisoned ape until it finally snapped and kidnapped his girlfriend. A little later he would recapture that ape, put it back in its cage, and whip the hell out of a bunch of weird animals in order to motivate them to try to kill the ape's kid.
It's also worth noting that at this point he was sporting a Snidely Whiplash mustache and going bald. Some time after this he gained some weight, trimmed his soup strainer, and started wearing a hairpiece. Hairpieces, of course, being an accessory completely exclusive to dicks.
When Donkey Kong came stateside, Mario was only known as "Jumpman." At least, until Nintendo's landlord, Mario Segale, came around to hastle them about back rent and they named him after the guy. Given that Segale is understandably reluctant to talk about the other Mario, it's hard to make any judgment about his character, but it's pretty clear that the guys at Nintendo didn't like him very much. So yeah, they named Mario after some guy they thought was kind of a dick.
Following Donkey Kong's release, Mario and Pauline (his girlfriend at the time until he threw her over for a younger, prettier girl with more money) appeared weekly on the Saturday Supercade. The cartoon tracked Donkey Kong Jr.'s endless quest to find his father while Mario and his temporary girlfriend -- also his niece -- chased the poor, persecuted ape all over the world. The only thing this ever accomplished was to deny Kong anything more than a momentary reunion with his homeless, fatherless son.
Also, at some point he took Princess Toadstool to a Milli Vanilli concert.
A short time later he rescued the Mushroom Kingdom from civil war. If the Super Mario Bros. instruction manual is to be believed, at some point in the conflict the Mushroom loyalists were transformed into the bricks and coins and whatnot that populate the landscape. Mario's method of "rescuing" the populace was to punch them until they exploded.
Oh, did you know that guy? Sorry, he's worth 50 points.
Meanwhile, any defectors were dubbed "Goombas," which is at least only mildly derogatory. Who knows what compelled them to join the other side. At least a few of them must have believed in the cause, but one would expect a more motivated attitude from revolutionary zealots. From the listless way they shuffle back and forth it's easy to believe they were pressured into it. Perhaps they had family being held hostage in those recently-exploded bricks. Regardless, they were all to be squashed on sight. Mario's tubby ass gives no quarter.
Even his friends have it bad. Never mind all those times he's kicked poor Yoshi out from underneath him to fall into a bottomless pit just so Mario's gargantuan ass can get a little more air time. Before that, he was punching the poor bugger in the back of the head to make him stick his tongue out. Yes, this is a man who will repeatedly donkey-punch a dinosaur to make it eat his enemies.
Mario, Bowser, and Peach repeat this same song and dance over and over again for decades. Which, given what we know about Mario, has prompted anyone who has given it any thought to come to the obvious conclusion: Peach wants to be kidnapped. It's the only conceivable explanation for why she spends more time over at Bowser's place than she does at home. Especially when games that put her in a starring role reveal that she's more than capable of busting out of there her own damn self.
Note that Peach is also kind of a dick.
Worse than all this, however, is Mario's complete and utter lack of shame. He doesn't even care enough to deny that any of this happened as he prances on his merry way, leaving the ruins of lives and kingdoms in his wake. Far from showing anything resembling regret, instead his ego has swelled to massive proportions. Hell, by the modern day the little asshole is flying around in a giant spaceship shaped like his own head.
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